Joy

It began with a smile and a connection from the past that triggered it. When Joe and Marge Leon Guerrero, walked in my life, I was at point in my life that any request for help that had anything to do with me, in which I was a part of resulted in hives forming and an internal fight strikes. So I fought within me to stay, listen, be polite and not run and hide, but to firmly say "No, thank you." She had always been the gentle friend, the one who encouraged in the group, so of course I stayed and listened. It's just shy of 30 years ago that we met and so I woke this morning with a calm and a sense of hope, that I haven't felt in my personal walk with Jesus, in a long time. 


I forget how effective I am in reaching out to others as well as keeping them at bay. I forget how well I can convince myself that I'm okay, when in fact I'm not. I forget that being strong has nothing to do with not dealing with the pain. I forget who Jesus, really is in my life.

Yesterday, I served in a way that I disliked the most in every situation I'm in. In fact it's the key issue I have in my professional career and most especially in my current employment: to serve blindly and without control. Yesterday, I had no idea what to expect, where to go, what to do. The least amount of briefing was given and done in such a way that pretty much hacked away at my refined organizational skills. Asked what I thought of it? I couldn't respond. A part of me wanted to tear it to pieces and start over, but I didn't have the energy or the desire. So I kept quiet.
 
This was definitely a time, had the old DonaMila been here, it would have ignited a rage in me that would be difficult to contain and definitely would have burnt bridges with no hope of crossing the great divide that I would have dug myself, in order to keep them all on the other side. Why do I write this? I want to capture the vision of what Jesus taught me this past week. 

Today marks 1 week from the moment in time that I woke up with a conviction to not be afraid, that was last Saturday. A conviction fueled by God, not by me. I know, because I woke up with anxiousness last Saturday that spilled over the roof. My mind took off and every possible scenario of my life flooded and overtook me. It was overwhelming. Yet it was just the Saturday before that I stood before my community during the Couples for Christ Guam's 1st Annual Prayer Assembly that I shared how important community was and how it was important that we evangelize and share Jesus to other because the despair and depression I was feeling inside of me was difficult to fight on my own and we need each other to overcome it. Thus, although I was overwhelmed, the conviction in my heart was encompassing and would not be overcome.

Mind you, that as I write this I'm amazed at how God is working and how we can barely see fully the moment we are living, but He sees it all. As I reflect bak, I see how I tried hard to understand everything that I was going through and still going through, but I couldn't grasp it. Had I known, I probably would have run far away. For I wasn't ready to see and to know.

Yesterday, was the Annual Catholic Men's Conference that was being hosted by the Nuestra Señora De Las Aguas Parish's men's group called G.I.F.T. (Growing In Faith Together) in the village of Mongmong. Joe Leon Guerrero, husband of my high school batch mate, is a member of G.I.F.T. I had heard about it from Jose Martinez, who I met at a Grant Writing Workshop back in September 2014. 

Joe is the nephew of Auntie Fran Calvo, who has always been a part of my faith walk on Guam, actually exactly 20 years ago in June that I knocked on her door and like a hungry, wet and lost puppy, but extremely happy and excited one too that I found them.  So, I pretty much pushed my way into Couples for Christ Guam. I was a Singles For Christ Los Banos that just returned from studying at the University and I wanted to surround myself with prayerful people who loved to praise God. 

Marge introduced me to Joe, her husband, and he had this demeanor in him that played at my heart. It was the smile that my dad gives me when he has a surprise he knows that I would be ecstatic for, but knows me well enough to know that I would stifle the excitement and control myself so as not to look the fool and not show that my dad could trigger my joy and let him know he still could control me. Joe had that smile and at that time my internal reaction was 'fire, do not touch, keep distance safely 50 feet away'. My dad died in 2005. I think my joy died then too. 

Joe gave me that smile yesterday too. Actually he's been giving me that smile since we met and I seriously think it's only been 3 months since he and Marge walked in my life. Our conversations never stayed on the surface, it always sunk deeper and deeper. Sitting with Joe and Marge anywhere always ended up with Joe and I sharing deeply the movement of God in our lives. It was like two matches being lit, there was no way we could sit next to each other and not be lit by the light God put in us. This is where I think God made sure I was hooked.

It was because of Jose, that Joe pretty much put me in his sight. I had mentioned that I knew Joe and Marge to Jose during our workshop and vice versa. Somehow they had a conversation and not knowing much of either of them, since it was Marge that I was acquainted with in high school, that I was tapped. So politely I suggested and smiled and said, "sure," but still shaking my head and saying inside of me, "what am I getting myself into?" 

Since I was attending the CFC Christian Life Program as a handmaid, it afforded Joe, Marge and myself quality time to share our faith walk. It wasn't too long when Joe asked, actually thinking back. I don't think he asked. I think he told me that I would be helping at the Men's Conference. 

That's another thing, God knows I'm pretty good about being obedient when told by someone who has in them what my heart knew was love. Love seeped through Joe and Marge. 

But I am cautious and I was back peddling fast. I tried to keep our conversations at a minimum, but no matter what I did, it wasn't happening the way I wanted it to be, which was that I not be involved at all. I had effectively offered my help to Jose by simply connecting him to the parish leaders and encouraged everyone in a hands off kind of way to attend the Men's Conference. That's about as fas as I was willing to go, or so I told myself. I figured I had enough on my plate. 

Then two weeks before the conference a meeting occurs. I walked out of it thinking, "This is going to be a disaster because I walked out with exactly the same amount of information that I walked in with; nothing." God, in his infinite wisdom, places in a timely manner people and situations, who or what would be, in a focused mindset considered distractions to the mission, but for me, they were the mission. So I blindly followed and kept my concerns to myself and just allowed them to tell me nothing. 

Called to be a prayer warrior for several individuals, I moved through the prior week just responding to prayer requests. Then God, pulls the rug under me and increases the prayer time and the sacrifice too. Focused on that as the task at hand, I followed and let Him direct my actions and prioritize my day. I thought my primary mission was to be a prayer warrior, which is something I'm quite comfortable with and called often to do. Little did I know, how sly God was. Lovingly sly that is. Here I was praying for others, when in fact, God was cleansing me so that I would be ready with the right disposition to handle the new lesson He was going to teach me. He toned me spiritually, physically, mentally and emotionally. The Apostolic slaps were coming in the form of 2x4s. 

I'm His daughter. He knows me and His love for me is just so beyond what my mind could fathom. The scenarios he created are just amazing. 

So the two week long preparation begins with a phone call, some chats and a call to prayer. A meeting of sorts that ended with a night to spend with dear friends of faith that helped re-connect. One week prior started with an intimate Fiesta Mass and procession and an affirmation of my gifts. Putting it all in one package of pure supplication. The fire lit in the Chain for Life and a Mass and homily on point causing the burn to be truly felt. A final goodbye ended my night, but brought me to prayer the following morning. 

Three days of fasting ended with a look at virtues, all of course through God's power. I had no power, just the willingness to allow God to do His will. Then a night prepping for the Celebration led to a faith sharing so deep that the night disappeared and I all of sudden I only had 2 hours of sleep before I had to be at the grounds of Mongmong parish.

Yesterday I arrived at Mongmong church grounds just before 6. I thought everyone would be there sitting and drinking coffee when I walked in. I drove up and the one guy I didn't know was there. Learned later it was Tony Quimbao. This is how much I didn't know what I was supposed to be doing as a servant. I had to ask him where to park in an empty parking lot. This of course would never have been a question that would have passed through my lips because I would have known months before. That wasn't God's plan and Tony's response to me was simply anywhere along the side where the coconut trees where. I went to find a parking and I seriously stopped for a moment and questioned which coconut trees. 

I unloaded my stuff and the yummy milk bread I brought from Crown bakery was still nice and hot. I expected to walk into the smell of coffee, but nope, that didn't happen. Tony walks in and says to call Jose, to wake him up. Normally, my head would have exploded. I'm from Yigo and I'm a parishioner from Our Lady of Lourdes, I was volun-TOLD. Yet the only one that was here, was Tony and now me. Tony, matter of factly shows me Jose's number and says call and tell him Tony Quimbao said to call you. That's how I met Tony. I responded to Tony with, "is it okay to give me his number?" I'm old school, if the person didn't give you the number, don't get the number, but Tony was adamant. So I called. Here I am calling at 6 AM and I am totally uncomfortable, but I'm being obedient, which says a lot. I made the coffee to distract myself from feeling uncomfortable. Tony instructs me where the toilet tissue and the garbage bags were. I look at him with confusion and he just smiles and says, "the bathrooms." 

So I begin my service with making coffee and getting the bathrooms ready for the Men's Conference and suddenly there are people around and I'm totally uncomfortable. I have no idea what is expected of me. It's not clearly written. Ms. Rosa Santos walks in and immediately says, "Oh that coffee smells so good." I sigh with relief because I can't smell it and I haven't made coffee in a 42 cup percolator in years. I had to read the instructions and make the calculations and figure out how to turn it on. Coffee making is quite complicated. A good coffee maker never follows the instructions on the side of the container. So her words were a great comfort to me. Interesting how something so trivial could be so important.

Busy, busy, busy, busy and I realize it has begun, but we didn't gather as a group to pray. I was terrified now. Silly me, I had been praying since I woke up and the whole week. In fact I recited the Sorrowful and Luminous Mysteries as I drove here on only two hours of sleep. So I sought Jose out and I asked if we could pray together. He seemed so distracted and concerned, but I didn't want him to see the panic in my eyes, so I didn't really look at him. I schooled my face into a "happy" look and waited. Next thing I know the G.I.F.T. were praying and I wasn't in the group. I felt lost, but the busyness was taking over and greeting the sisters and other volunteers, welcoming the participants, putting things where they needed to go and striving to listen for what's the next instructions. 

Then I spotted Zion and I grabbed him and said, "follow me."  I could do that because Zion was Youth for Christ and I knew that we could pray together, so we headed to the conference room and walked away from the busyness. Walked in and my heart leaped for joy because Uncle Greg Calvo was there and I asked him if he could pray with us. Of course, he not just only leads the prayer, he does what all men should do, lead us into prayer and it was a SUPER WOW moment. Praising God and claiming the space, the speakers, the participants, the servants and the families for God. Praying in tongues has always been a prayer form I treasure. So we prayed and he sent us out to serve. As we walked out I asked Zion, 'Do you pray in tongues?' and he said, 'yes'. Okay then let's walk the compound and just pray in tongues. So we began and we walked the whole parish grounds and it was empowering and fulfilling. Love flowed.

I still had no idea what to do. I didn't even know if I was being an effective servant. As I did little tasks here and there and just checked to see if there was anything else when Ms. Rosa asks, "could you take pictures?" and sends me towards Jose to I assumed I should follow. I asked do you have a camera and he shows me a tablet of some sort and I said, "I should have brought my camera." and thought I should have told someone more skilled than I to take pictures. So I took pictures, checked the coffee (but I was moved out of that service by the other women who took over it), checked the bathrooms (again moved out of that service by the other women who took over it), checked the water bottles (again moved out of that service by the other women who took over it). So I went to check Uncle Greg and helped set up for his talk and found out answers he needed and just allowed myself to be filled by his presence. Then I went to take pictures.

Talked with the men and cajoled and harassed my Yigo brothers to not hang with each other but to get to know the other participants. Smiled at those that seemed alone and tried to challenge the shy one's to get out of their corner. At the same time, realizing how genuinely happy I felt and how much I really loved these men and wanted them to know how much they are loved. I'm good at making a spectacle of myself and just being crazy and of course the brothers who knew me just let me be, if not encouraged me to be even more of a spectacle. I'm entertainment. As for the other men I just met, I'll probably here it later, of how crazy I am. Good thing I already know and trust at least God enough to know that.

Still checked on the bathroom, posted the pics, chatted with everyone and hid every now and then in a quiet room and prayed. 

At the end of the day, my service ended with confession, the Eucharist and simple good byes. It was awesome. I still have no idea what my tasks were or even if I had done anything that they expected me to do. My mind is blown. God of mercy and love. He loves me where I am at and loves me to a better me. I served yesterday with zero knowledge. I served so that our men would be given the opportunity to fill up. What a gift it was for me. You see the greatest fear for me,  is not knowing, because knowing helps me control the situations around me, or so I think. He taught me that I can trust, I can move, I can serve, I can do without having to really know. He has me in the palm of His hands. What a gift!