Starting Over

There's so much more to this than just moving back home. It's different from moving back because you finished school and now are starting a career. It's a whole set of changes that have to happen and as much as I just want to curl in my bed and just let the world go by, I can't. Deep inside, I want the world to hold off and wait for me to just catch up. To get my footing and to stabilize. Right now it feels like everything is happening all at one time and I can't breathe. 

The key though is moving on. Not to just stop, but to take one step at a time. I'm grateful for those who just are letting me be. At the same time, I am grateful for those who are prodding me, too. A representation of the conflict that is twisting inside of me. 

I'm back in my area of "expertise": Agriculture. Being on this team has allowed me to heal in a way that I thought I couldn't get to. There's something about your hand being immersed in the soil. Helping things grow and watching things unfold with barely an input from you. There's an energy that is released in nature. Being able to touch the soil, to feel the sun, to cool in the shade and wind sets a process inside of me that is filling and instilling a joy that is slowly but surely fixing those places inside of me that I'm unable to reach. 

I'm not fully embedded in ministry or teaching, just touches here and there that allow me to experience and to be of service. It's different from years ago where I breathed, lived and slept ministry. I still get the tense fear when someone approaches me or if I see an expectation from them. Not as bad as three years ago. There's a detachment in it that I don't think I've fully experienced until now. 

I'm not afraid. That's the difference. I use to be afraid. 

People who met me years ago are shocked that I am afraid. It started years ago, when my dad died. A darkness that came over me, just seemed to come closer and closer outshining all the blessings around me. I couldn't feel. I couldn't grasp. I could only react. I could only respond. I wasn't really aware. All those years of ministry had filled me beyond my "love tank", I was empty, but the fumes of belief was still in the air and I was running only on that. I didn't really know. I just felt somehow that God's existence was there, but far beyond my reach. I could only observe through others. Their simple faith kept me somehow connected. 

When Michael was still in my womb every experience I had prior to Michael was somehow magnified. The attacks and struggles I had gone through re-surfaced and I felt a deep sense of fear. It wasn't like that before. The fear became greater when Michael's dad did not return to us. All of a sudden, I realized that I was alone. My sister, Norla, she was the one that manifested the deep anger I felt. I could only observe her reaction and feel what I should be feeling through her. The betrayal was something that I couldn't grasp. All I knew was that I couldn't let it destroy me.  I just had to believe. 

There was a time that I use to not be afraid. I had this faith that was unshaken. It wasn't from  me. It was a confidence in what God could do in me and in those around me. It settled in me and no matter what happened I was so connected to God that all the disgruntled, angry, critical, actions done to me where like arrows going through jello. I had learned to let it go. There was a fire that burned beyond my soul. It kept me going. It manifested a love that was beyond the physical but so physical. Each interaction, each activity, each accomplishment, each snag, each stumble produced a sense of fulfillment that made my heart pound just a little harder and allowed me to experience God in everything. 

I know this, but since the time that fear entered my life I haven't been able to reach it again. And yet, I'm not sure I'm supposed to reach that or re-live it. 

So today is the 39th day of the Christmas Season. Christmas ends its 40 days tomorrow, a day that the Church celebrates the Presentation of the Lord. Where Simeon prays, 

"Lord, now You let Your servant go in peace. Your word has been fulfilled. My own eyes have seen the salvation which You have prepared in the sight of every people. A light to reveal You to the nations and the glory of Your people Israel. Amen"

And thus because I have seen, I can only get up now and move on. One step at a time. To grasp this faith fulfilled in this day. To respond as He calls me to be the salt, to be the light. To be.

Lord, You call the least and You provide the grace to Be. I ask You to fill me, mold me, use me. In Jesus' Holy Name. Amen.

~allowing God to love me to a better me